Thursday, May 19, 2011

The War on ANTS

The skies are overcast, and rain is threatening near the Ramsey Apartment in Baltimore.  Here ANTS are beginning the latest phase in what seems to be part of a larger plan for world domination.  Previous assaults at the Bathroom Window were repelled, twice, by what experts believe is a new development in chemical warfare.  This toxic gas may have also led to ultimate triumph over the ANTS at the Kitchen Sink and Light Switch Wall after a combination of road blocks and internal sabotage (ant traps) failed.

The Kitchen Sink was clearly targeted as a strategic resupply hub for essentials, such as water, to which the ANTS tunneled along pipes from another apartment.  The assault on the Light Switch Wall, however, worried senior intelligence officials as it demonstrated the versatility and resourcefulness of the ANTS.  This location was reached by repelling from the roof along the electric lines.  The exact intentions of this offensive remain unclear, although some argue minuscule food crumbs may have been found at the adjacent Kitchen Counter.

Now ANTS are invading the Wall Behind the Microwave as the latest step to execute a hostile takeover of the Kitchen.  This strike's specific objectives are not yet known, but covert operations are preemptively moving supplies, mainly food, from the area and launching air raids employing precision tissue-squashing technology.  Chemical warfare may again play a role in repelling the ANTS, but it remains to be seen if this will be enough to deter further counter insurgencies.

This is SC Ramsey, live from Baltimore.  Good Afternoon.  

Anyone deployed effective anti-ANTS tactics?


  1. This post is awesome. Ants suck. Can't sherbert contribute and eat them? I've heard that ant protein produces a lovely fur coat for the spring.

  2. Sherbet, during her awake moments, regards ANTS as enemies and carefully monitors their activity. While she will munch down the occasional ANT, Sherbet informs me (1) her fur coat has enough sheen and (2) ANTS do not taste that good unless they are covered in chocolate. Alas, I find Sherbet an undependable ally.

  3. We are assaulted here as well. In an effort to avoid significant collateral damage to our allies (the geckos), I am attempting alternative forms of chemical warfare. Latest project involves sugar water, peanut butter and borax. If effective, I will pass the intel along.

  4. Matt and I have often talked about the "au natural" method of removing pests. Say you have an ant problem... well then you find a "natural predator" a.k.a. spiders, and set a few dozen of them lose in the house. But now you have a spider problem, so you'll probably need a few lizards to fix it. Then you'll have to introduce some snakes or small predatory birds in the mix. And eventually, you'll move up to hawks and raptors. Finally, you'll be at the top of the food chain with one predator (coyote? wolf?) and then all you'll need to do is pay someone to trap it (haven't worked out who gets this job yet..) and haul it back to the "wild". Obviously, your house will be a shamble mess, but at least you'll be free of ants!

  5. @Tsippor...your method reminds me of the nursery song about the "old lady who swallowed a fly"